A Startling Reality

I had the yearly lunch with a friend I have known for 30 years. It was drizzling when I alighted the train but without hesitation decided to make the 20 minute walk to the mall where we were to meet. I walked at my usual pace not letting the rain perturb me.

With big smiles and a hug we greeted each other. The two hours flew by fast and we ended on the note of a recent self-realization. My friend is so sure he knows me well enough to conclude that I am a person who dares to give up all I have and go it alone, to do what I want to do. However, having conformed to surroundings, I hold responsibilities that I will not relinquish but could live without. Yes, he's right.

I hold no resentment for the people who surround me and for where I am now, but it is time to finally start feeding my soul with my needs.

All the Pleasantries

I was just struck with the notion that one of the roles of life is possibly about pleasing others.

My choice to not be employed was I believed an ideal situation. There was no one to answer to, and no idiosyncrasies and bloated egos to manage. In short, I did not have to work at pleasing others.

Choosing to put pen to paper, it has dawned on me to generate an adequate means of survival, writing is all about pleasing the reader.

Sustaining any form of relationship means pleasing the other party.

I am entertaining the thought of life as a recluse in the outskirts or in the jungle, sustaining one's physical self with a vegetable patch and a smattering of animals. Besides Mother Nature, would there be anyone else to please then?

Pleasing Allah is totally acceptable to me. One way of pleasing Him is to please others, but in what context?

I am currently at a loss as to my thoughts.

Thank you, Spidey!

This morning I watched a spider attempting to spin it's web in the early morning dew. No matter what the world hurls at us, the web has to keep on spinning.

Heart On A Sleeve

I speak about honesty and openness though I fail to practice it when it comes to matters of "me".
I shove aside what comes to the surface as I don't want to feel any hurt inside.

So much said, so little expressed.

I want to reach out but how can I -
All is not the way it used to be.
Has my  insensitivity led to my words no longer being availed?

Should I even try to explain myself,
Are you wont to give me the time.
Deep down, I wonder, do you feel me.

Solace in Solitude

Sometimes we hide behind a mask for so long that we tend to forget how we feel deep inside and who we really are.

We take life in stride, avoiding our search for the cravings of heartfelt desires. No doubt our life here is of no permanence but that does not mean we should forgo the bounties of the world that remain within the boundaries of our beliefs.

How heavy the heart and soul is, carrying weights we ought not to bear.

When will I take time to search within me in order to fulfill my life on earth.

A Warm Welcome To You

Someone thanked me for my "unconditional friendship". It was an unexpected though nice surprise. It got me thinking that I wish we could all be so honest and open with each other. The receiver accepting graciously with an open mind, when the other party intends no malice in his words; just a genuine desire for the betterment of the individual.

A warm welcome to you, my dear friend.

Let's Get Our Act Together

I'm normally one who minds my own business unless of course an issue drops onto my lap! However, it's rather disturbing when I see the abuse of authority. The sight of unhappy faces and remarks made told the story that all was not going well.

We're talking about occurrences during a blessed month. Mind you, it's not the religion that's the problem. Once again us humans have taken a wrong turn. A mighty wrong turn when self-glorification and worldly desires are placed before subservience to Him.

A web was spun, the innocent entangled victims were obliged to assist. When the observer asked if the situation was fine, the response was, "No trouble at all."

Try we must to put in a few words when things aren't going the way it should be, especially when it comes to serving Him.

If we can't be upfront, we run the danger of harbouring ill-feelings leading to the tendency of backbiting. This thus brings me to say that just yesterday, the observations were confirmed.... I don't care to hear the ugly words uttered - words which would not have arisen if we spoke with heartfelt emotions right from the start.

Stop, To Smell The Roses

Incidences in our lives happen for a reason. There are times when things aren't going the usual; we are not achieving the desired results; or when tried and trusted measures don't seem to hold any longer.

There comes a point when a shift might just hold the answer. Delve deep within; put aside the uncalled for chains of life that binds us to the unnecessary and ask, where would you really like to picture yourself ten years on.

Seek His guidance, He never fails.

Getting Closer

Denial isn't going to change the eventual outcome.

It will however, affect the ride.

She Was So Wonderful

She looked after me so well.
How could I have given up on her?
I can't turn back the time,
Can't right what I did so wrong.
She loved me so much,
Gave up so much for me.
How could I have been so blind.
There are no words to say to her anymore -
She is no longer here.
She passed on without family beside her.
I can't ask her for forgiveness
And am filled with grief.
I have done a grave error
I understand if I can't be forgiven.
But still I try and beg for forgiveness,
My only shot.
I am sorry for being heartless, cruel and not there when she needed me.
I thought I tried my best but I know now it was far from good enough.
I failed in patience, perseverance;
Filled with selfishness.
Am I fit enough to ask for Your Mercy?
I understand if deemed not.
I will have to face the consequences.
I continue to seek forgiveness for all that I have failed to deliver.
Striving on,
Thanking Allah for His reminders.
Please forgive me for my wrong doings.

Pause To Reflect

At times we need to take a step back in order to realise the potential within us.

Finding A Stronghold

We sometimes get caught up in the stream of this world and there's a tendency to drift.

Ought Instincts To Play A Part

How do we ask for forgiveness from someone who is no longer in our midst...

Thy Lord hath decreed

That ye worship none but Him,

And that ye be kind

To parents. Whether one

Or both of them attain

Old age in thy life,

Say not to them a word

Of contempt, nor repel them

But address them, 

In terms of  honour.

Al-Isra (the Children of Israel), verse 23

And we have enjoined on man

To be good to his parents:

In travail upon travail

Did his mother bear him.

And in years twain

Was his weaning: (hear the command),

Show gratitude

To Me and to thy parents:

To Me is thy final Goal.

Luqman (the Wise), verse 14

We have enjoined on man

Kindness to his parents:

In pain did his mother 

Bear him, and in pain

did she give him birth.

The carrying of the child

To his weaning is

A period of thirty months.

At length, when he reaches

The age of full strength

and attains forty years,

He says, "Oh my Lord!

Grant me that I may be

Grateful for Thy favour

Which Thou hast bestowed

Upon me, and upon both

My parents, and that I 

May work righteousness

such as Thou mayest approve;

And be gracious to me

In my issue. Truly

Have I turned to Thee

and truly do I submit

to Thee in Islam.

Al-Ahqaf (Winding Sand-tracts), verse 15

Humble Praises

Thank You!
I love You very much.
You have been there for me
Through thick and thin.
Your mercy and guidance
Knows no bounds.
Umpteen wrongs I have done
Drifted, gone astray
Your guiding hand always behind.
How can I not love You.


May I continue to strengthen in faith
And to stay on the right path
Bearing in mind His ever presence,
His greatness.
There is no one comparable unto Him!

Mere Passages

Swept under the carpet, swept away or swept off our feet, we just have to deal with it. The world continues to spin on its axis.

Gripping Sand

Silent night,
Cool breeze.
Reflecting.

Said and done,
Why look back.
Just keep heading on.

Lost So Deep

Why do I run

From an emotion that feels good,

A never before feeling

So comfortable that it scares me.

"There will come a time we have to make the choice

between what is right and what is easy."

To safeguard the heart (I thought),

I chose the easy way.

I feel I've lost something so precious 

In an ocean so deep.

A Winner, In My Eyes

What started as casual conversations

Revealed kindness, caring and politeness.

Recent months of contact with your amiable disposition,

Happiness has somehow been regained.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you,

I know now what it means to let go.

The connection I could not comprehend

And the answers left unsaid.

For whatever else we each go through in life,

 If deemed fit, may the bond remain.

Merci mille fois.

When Will I Stop Running...

Sometimes weird things do happen and most of the time its not really good or bad. It is just "things" that happen. Being who we are now after discovering so much (about our surroundings and oneself) and going through so many things, unfortunately does not make things much clearer. That is a fact that we have to come to terms with.

What I do know is that happiness is something that everyone of us yearns for and deserves. I believe whatever you have gone through has somewhat helped you to focus on what would make you happy and what you are looking for in a relationship. It's not the "individual" that bothers you, it is more of you continuing to ask yourself "why" are you feeling the way you do now. My advice would be don't do that to yourself. Try not to think too much about where this is heading, but what the journey might be. I know it sounds cliche but that is what happiness is all about. It's a risk.

- Thanks, my dear friend, I understand what you're trying to say. It's the fear of not being in control, not knowing where I'm heading. Yes, you are right, we have to take the journey or we'll never, ever know.... But will I dare to...?

How Do We Define Love?

A friend going through a difficult time in his relationship with a girl he loves tremendously, is now in the midst of making a decision of what's best for both him and her. Awhile back he posed, "Why shouldn't love be enough?", and of late,  "It feels that love is sometimes not enough."

Odd indeed- we need love to start a relationship, but it somehow doesn't sustain one. Or maybe we aren't defining love correctly?

An Unusual Phenomenon

A never before felt phenomenon has been invading my senses for a while now. With no inkling if the reason will ever be forthcoming, it's time to take the first of many steps forward, bearing in my mind that it might forever remain a mystery.
I leave it in the hands of the Almighty.

A Searching Of The Sensations

How do you even begin to explain a presence felt though not seen?
How do we describe a closeness felt though not near?
The sudden thoughts that occur with deeds done afar.
These all mystify.

Answers sought, though words unspoken.
Sensations meant to be,
Or a figment of the imagination?

Through Crawling Streets

This world is but a passing phase
So why seek permanence.
'Tis all a stage;
The determinant is in the role we play.

Careful How We Tread

Life's experiences changes us and if we go through it with our eyes closed, it won't necessarily be for the better.

No More Conforming

I catch a glimpse and approach.
We stroll in the calm stream,
Branches tenderly bowing,
The gentle chill on my cheek.

Spoken words as we walk.
Before me, a pool of immense beauty.
Am I to search within me,
Or will I be reaching my destiny?

No Bag of Tricks

How do we define normal? And if deemed not to fit, what category are the “abnormal” placed in?

Expectations can run high or scepticism sets in – the latter is of no issue. What tires is the incessant questions instead of seeking in God.

Majority does not have to mean conformity.

A First That Baffles

The instinct to react,
Cannot be explained.

The link that connects,
Beyond comprehension.

Sense of closeness although far,
Visions, emotions trickle through the distance.

No intention of conception,
No means of control.

The explanation forthcoming,
Or a mystery to remain.

I Won't Weep For You

Oh Little One,
I won’t weep for you today
Allah has smiled upon your heart
And taken you away

Amid thunder and confusion
Your tears and cries so thin
There were angels there beside you
Calling you to him

And though you walked upon the earth
For such a little while
In the playground of forever
You’re running with a smile

So Little One,
I won’t weep for you today
Allah has smiled upon your heart
And carried you away

- lyrics by Zain Bhikha

It Was Five Years Ago

It has been 5 years since Omar returned. I have vivid memories of pushing Omar in his stroller to watch the birds during our hospital stay of about six months.

The day I was told there was no other option for Omar, I accepted it. I knew the time would come, it was just a matter of when I would hear those words.

Lights off at the hospital. I cried, holding his hand in the crib next to my bed. He had to leave this world.

That same night I had a vision of a handsome young man with long brown hair. He seemed about 17 years in age. He said, "Mom, I'll be fine." A sense of calmness overwhelmed me and I often recall the image of that young man.

Omar spent the last three months of his life on earth at home. My daily du'a was for him to be taken from this world in a peaceful manner.

I heard the call for Maghrib prayer. Omar made a gasp. Instinctly I picked him up. I gazed at him as he let out a few more gentle gasps, then it was just his physical body in my arms.

The beauty of that moment has never left me.
Knowing that Allah had answered my du'a stays in my mind.

Sucked In, Stretched Out

We never really know what's going to happen. It's like being pulled into a black hole, going thorugh the tidal force and getting ripped apart.

If all is not lost, would we turn out for the better? Or is this all just a hologram?

My Mom

I walked into my bedroom, heard the birds greeting the early morning and decided to finally have my quiet time; time to reminisce on my Mom. It’s been a week since her passing.

My first memory of my life was as a toddler living in an estate in Semenyih. We lived a distance from town and having three older siblings to play with, there really wasn’t the need for the company of neighbourhood kids. Ah, recollections now of feelings of fascination and curiosity to find a scorpion on the living room floor and our older sister alerting us not to touch it.

It was the norm to come across centipedes and millipedes casually crawling about the house and the garden. I recall yelling, with a mixture of excitement and panic, to my mom, “Snake!” while I was having breakfast on the patio. We got frequent soothing rub-downs with eau-de-cologne after playing in the garden as we’d end up with bumps and itches on our skin.

My Mom, she took it all in stride. I never heard a word of regret or complain for those years spent away from the concrete jungle and friends. In fact, you could hear the fondness in her voice whenever we sat and talked about the past.

We moved to town when I was seven; my eldest sister was 11 then. I doubt if it was of coincidence that we stayed in a house just next to a forest reserve. We four sisters would often spend weekends exploring the jungle. Mom had full confidence in us handling ourselves on our adventures.

Being back in ‘urban’ locale, Mom had her friends over for the occasional lunch. Her curry laksa was the most frequently requested dish. Desserts I eagerly awaited for were Mom’s lemon meringue and apple pie. The birthday parties we used to have when we were young; how did she manage all those dishes single-handedly? Mom did it all with love and passion.

My Mom was always there for us. She was a strict disciplinarian and did not stand for any nonsense. Try going to her and tattle-tale on a squabble with your siblings and she’d say “I don’t want to hear about it, go sort it out amongst yourself”. Though hardly one to show her feelings, you knew she cared and loved us. She taught us to stand up for ourselves.

Goodness wonders how she managed four boisterous girls. There were no chores for us; she never once asked us to help around the house. I ask myself now, “Why?” and, “If only we had realised how much she took on.” From a young age, she was to me “Super Mom” and I always looked to her as a strong woman. Never once did it cross my mind she wasn’t as invincible as she portrayed.

I never saw Mom upset, feeling down or angry. I don’t ever recall her quarrelling with my father. Maybe she kept her emotions and thoughts deep inside. The last year of her life, my Mom suffered from “major depression” as the psychiatrist calls it. What made her go downhill, we can only make assumptions.

When Mom passed on,a thought ran through my head though knowing I would not receive an answer, “Mom, why did you give up on life, did you not see how much you had going for you?” What triggered her to lose confidence in herself, we will never know. I realise there isn’t any point wondering anymore.

I want to remember her as jovial, confident, dedicated and full of passion for life. She’s my Mom.

May she rest in peace.

No Compulsion

Guidance comes from Allah
Truth is clear from error
Amin

Unforgettable

Occasional thoughts throughout the years,
Each wondering about the other.
Where and how...

A conversation sparked off a search,
With a note leading to a familiar voice.
Then and now...

Distance and time has not erased,
Memories and emotions traced.
When and why...

It has taken time to find each other
And now we have, there is no further.
All we hold are treasures deep
The boundary holds us bittersweet.

Hard it might be to carry on,
I don't want to let go of this bond.
Years away and finally,
Friendship it will have to be.

A Shimmer, A Sign

Both times I had to take control,
With no option but to steer.
Trudging on with heavy shoulders,
I took it all in stride.

I'm tired now,
I want to snuggle up to warmth.

My wants don't necessarily fit to a T,
As plans layed out are best for me.
It's as well things are as deemed to be,
If all was smooth I might just forget Thee.

May I ask to see a shimmer
Of one who cares to watch this soul?

Will there ever be help to man the ship,
Side-by-side, arm-in-arm, a fit.
If deemed to go it all alone,
It's time to stretch, and move head on.

Timely Reminder

Oh my Lord!
Grant me that I may be
Grateful for Thy favour
Which thou has bestowed
Upon me, and both
My parents, and that I
May work righteousness
Such as Thou mayest approve;
And be gracious to me in my issue.
Truly I turn to Thee
And truly do I submit
(To Thee) in Islam.
- Al-Ahqaf S46 v 15

Be My Guest

What was never an intention
Has stealthily crept into my thoughts.
I continue to wander ... these recurring visions and sensations.
The curiosity remains.

Oh, to be bold and forge on, or
To make an (absolutely necessary?) about turn.

Should I, need I wait?
Shall I, do I speak?
May I, will I be given a sign?

They say patience is a virtue.
Is it So or No?
Your call.
My pleasure.

Throwing Caution To The Wind

At times do we perceive things the way they really are,
Or the way we would like them to be?
When perception takes control and we're off on a spin,
Prepare for a nasty fall,
Or delight in a pleasurable landing!

My Search

A breath of fresh air
I took too far
Thus my practise was in question.
Clear now a short wrong turn I took,
The damage I overlooked.

With all my heart and soul,
May I be forgiven.

Searching, searching for what I lost
The me, the path,
That feeling of closeness.

May I seek for what I yearn.
Lead me, your humble servant, to the straight path.

The Criterion

"Arghhh!" she says, thumping her fist to her forehead.
"Why ask when all you seek is justifications for your doings?"

Events, shrouded by denial, boomerang and the respondent is made to look guilty while the seeker gets away scot-free.

Or so the seeker thinks.

Bear in mind the All-Knowing.

Upon reflection she concurs, "This could be a test of my patience and perseverance."

And Allah knows best.

"And the servants of Allah Most Gracious
are those who walk on earth in humility,
and when the ignorant address them,
they say, "Peace!"
- Surah Al Furqan (The Criterion), verse 63

Ability, Humility

When one has a given ability,
Try we should to retain humility
Lest we are thought of as no better.
When it is taken away, we should not then wonder.
May we always stay in the light of reminder.

Some Of Us Don't Think So

Life in this world is temporary.
Maybe some of us don't share this view.
So people get hurt, the world gets ugly.
When will it stop?

About Time

I have finally said my piece to clear the air.
Enough of taking the rap and continuous crap
For something I had no part in.
Advise to refrain from talking saved someone else's derrière.
Time to pull out the weed from among the flowers.

Not Down That Path Again...

Dressed in office attire.
Having a hearty breakfast
Before the drudgery of work.
Chatting, catching up on their lives,
Discussing work issues
Of yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Do they have a say or
Just puppets on a string?
What drives them?
I don't want to get back in this rat race.

Watching Our Steps

A "moderate", mediocre" or a "fanatic" Muslim? None of these are options.

Muslim fullstop.

We cannot make excuses or come up with reasons for Allah's laws just to keep ourselves in our comfort seat. Allah is the All Knowing, our Creator. Do we, as an individual, have the acquired knowledge to interpret the laws of The All Knowing?

Seek answers from the Qu'ran and Sunnah. Seek with and for, the love of Allah to achieve understanding and acceptance of all He has commanded.

May we achieve taqwa and iman.

Close

I look at you, you are so frail
Helpless, hopeless or care less - I dare you have the choice.
You sit awake, but are you near?
I speak to you, are you clear?
Or do you choose what you want to hear?

Lax in my duties, my role I fail to play
As with each passing day.
I sit and ponder on what to do
Or am I in a way washing my hands off you?

I can't curtail the way I feel for you
There is a link between we two.
Where does your road lead?
Take my hand, show me,
Talk to me.

I cannot read what's in your mind.
What I'm sure of is,
We are not the determiners of time;
I remind you.
Why,
Why have you given up?